Someone needs to send Classmates a Telegram

The last time I sent a telegram I phoned Western Union. I dictated my message to them over the phone, which they then read back to me. They promptly delivered my message -- by calling the recipient on the phone and reading it to him. They then sent a paper copy via U.S. Mail. Um, not really the effect I wanted, but I realized the telegram as a form of communication was dead. Western Union finally discontinued this service in 2006.

Every couple of weeks or so I get an email from Classmates.com informing me that someone has viewed my profile, left me a greeting or some such, and I should "find out who!" Of course, should I log in to my Classmates account to actually find out who -- I am invited to become a paid "Gold Member" which will allow me to send messages and directly contact other members.

Wow! Really? I can actually *pay* Classmates to contact old friends and share my story with them?

Hey Classmates!! Are you also thinking of opening up a mall-based travel agency to book my plane flight too?

Have you guys never heard of Facebook? I don't need to pay you money to send messages and share stories with my old friends. I do it every damned day on Facebook.

At one time, Classmates.com was one of the biggest advertisers on the .net. It seemed like every page I went to had a classmates banner ad -- "She -- Married him?"

Ten years ago maybe more, I was a periodic gold member at Classmates. The little trick I used to use was that I would only become a paid member for one month, about every year or two. That way, I could contact any friends I had found, send them all my email address, then cancel the account and maintain contact with my friends afterwards. I did this about three times until I had basically contacted everyone who was there whom I wanted to contact.

Ten years ago, their business model made sense. Today? Are you people nucking futs? Why would I pay you to find the exact same people I can find on facebook? Now, it's not like Classmates doesn't have a lot of "business partners" who post banner ads on every damned page. You're making money with each page hit. So here's an idea, why not come in to *this* century and encourage more people to visit those pages. Hmmmmm, I know!! How about making the whole damned thing free??!!!

I guess the Classmates people still book their vacation at the mall travel agency. They need to revise their business model. I think I'll send them my ideas by telegram.

Originally Posted April 7, 2008

Goatse-ing Google Maps

Google Maps is coming to my neighborhood.

Well actually Google Maps already knows my neighborhood. The problem however, is that Google Maps "street view" is coming to my neighborhood.

If you're not familiar with "street view," this is where Google sends out their trucks with 360 degree cameras on them, and photographs every house in every neighborhood in a particular area. Eventually they'll get to every neighborhood and every house in America. I doth protest.

They have already been in my neighborhood. If you click on the intersection a block from my house, you can see the 7-11 I visit each morning in living color on your computer. They will be photographing my house, for all the world to look at, sometime in the very near future.

I'm gonna Goatse them. I'm not sure how, but I'm gonna Goatse them.

Okay, if you're reading this and you're not familiar with the term "Goatse" well, consider yourself lucky. But -- you'll be sure to read further. And that's why Wikipedia is what it is. I shall not belabor you with the gory details, but you can read them here --> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goatse.cx

What I think I'm going to do is put a sign in the front of my house welcoming all Google Maps viewers, with the address of a web page, something like: "For cute photos of cuddly kittens, visit http://rustyscuddlykittens.com . Concurrently, I create the website, and should you visit it, you get a gaping ass, with maybe the Google Maps logo at the bottom.

I detest Google Maps Street View. It's time to fight back. Goatse 'em.

Originally Posted July 22, 2007

Twelve years ago when I first became internet active, the World Wide Web seemed to be a vast wasteland of uselessness. Web sites were either personal "Look at me I have a web page!", commercial (generally a repeat of a company's current magazine campaign), or just straight up porn. Finding useful information was usually a futile effort.

Thankfully, this has changed.

I found myself with a problem. I was one book behind in reading the Harry Potter series. When "Half-Blood Prince" was released in 2005, I dove in head-first, only to find that in the 2 years since "Order of the Phoenix," I had forgotten much of what had happened. So many events in the early going of Book 6 referred to Book 5, that I found Book 6 nearly unreadable. Not wanting to go back and re-read book 5 just to read book 6, I set it aside. Of course, within a few days, some blabbermouth on TV revealed the big ending of "Prince," and to say I was pissed off is an understatement. I was now one book behind, with no motivation to read it since I knew how it ended.

This posed a problem as the release of the final book approached.

My plan to get caught up was to wait until the Book 5 movie was released, watch it, then quickly read Book 6 in the week prior to the release of the final Chapter, "Deathly Hallows." A good concept, but poor in execution. The "Phoenix" movie is not nearly long enough or detailed enough to cover the information I needed before reading "Prince." I was stumped as to what to do. Re-read Book 5, then read book 6, and do it all before book 7? This would be an insurmountable task for someone who is gainfully employed.

And then I discovered this:

http://tinyurl.com/aaqw37


In 38 pages, a complete summary, including links that will clarify specific people and events when needed. A better solution to my problem cannot be found.



Twelve years ago THIS is the kind of thing I had always thought we should be able to access on the Web. And now 36 hours after discovering this information, I am further in to book 6 than I had ever gotten before. I should be finished by Monday, and dive right in to the final chapter. Before some fucking 11-year-old big mouth blows the ending for me. Again.



Thank god for the Internet.