Old Friends

I spent last week fixing a theoretically simple problem with my car. I say simple because it was a small part, fixed to the engine by one bolt. I say theroretically because that one bolt was impossible to find, then once found, impossible to reach.

I found it, reached it, and ultimately swapped it out.

I'd have never even attempted such a fix, if it hadn't been for one guy. A guy I realize now was my mentor.

His name was Tor Kalleberg. He died in a fire a few years ago, the rotten details are omitted.

I was introduced to Tor by my parents. He needed someone to help with handyman/honeydo projects around the house, and his own kids were too young to lend a hand. I became his right-hand handyman. I even babysat his kids - Barbra, Jon, Paul, and ultimately their new baby Rebecca.

Weekend after weekend, we worked on fixing things around the house. Ultimately we ended up working on the old dead cars he had lying around in his yard.

As it turnes out, the biggest project we worked on was the 1963 Ford Falcon. We took the front end from a 62, the floor shift and transmission from a 64, grabbed a 1970 Maverick engine and dropped it all in to that Falcon. When we were halfway done, Tor announced to me that when we were *completlely* done, the Falcon was mine. And that's how it played out. My very first car was one I had built with my own hands, a 1963 Ford Falcon.

I don't remember the last time I ever saw Tor Kalleberg. I'm sure that whenever it was, neither of us realized that we'd never see each other again. Thirty years later, when I found that he had died, yes, I did cry. He was my buddy, he was my friend, and he was the first adult person who ever treated *me* as an adult person.

I spent two days last week trying to swap out some computerized sensor piece of bullshit on my car. With each click on the super-extended rachet in the impossible place on the impossible part of the car, I thought back to my friend. He was a helluva guy.

I will miss him always.

For your kids to watch, oh, and you too.

Helen Thomas, meet Billy Casper

Before it was called a bucket list, I kept a death list. Now that it has a formal name, I think people are more forthcoming about the items that are actually on that list.

Years ago, my bucket list contained an item: Watch Arnold Palmer play golf in person.

I remember the day that I crossed that item off my list, as it was a double cross-off. I had also wanted to watch Jack Nicklaus play golf before I kicked off, and that one day -- they were playing together.

Arnold Palmer is a class act from top to bottom. I've met him several times now, and unlike today's reigning king of professional golf, Arnie nearly always will interact with his fans; he'll sign autographs sometimes for as long as it takes for everyone to be accommodated. Most of all, he shows his class with his respect for the game.

On October 13, 2006, Arnold Palmer withdrew from the Administaff Small Business Classic after playing just 4 holes. Arnie was dissatisfied with his own play, and at that moment retired from the game out of respect for himself, and for the game. The King was done. Long live the King.

On the other side of that coin, let me introduce you to Billy Casper. Casper was a contemporary of Arnie, winning 51 PGA Tour events, three majors -- including the 1970 Masters.

The Masters Tournament is a private event, sponsored by the Augusta National Golf Club. Qualification to play in the Masters is decided by any one of a number of pathways in. The simplest one is this: Any previous Masters champion is qualified to play in any subsequent Masters event. The qualification is for a lifetime.

In 2002, the Masters organizers sent a letter to Casper, along with Gay Brewer and Doug Ford, politely suggesting, "Hey guys -- maybe you should consider *not* playing in the Masters this year."

This trio had pretty much overstayed their welcome. Brewer was an embarrassment in the prior year, shooting an 84 and having to use a golf club as a cane to get up to the 18th green. Casper had shot 87 and 80 the prior year, not having made the cut in 13 years. And Ford, well Ford had to withdraw after just 2 holes in the prior year because that's all the golf the old fella had left. He had won the Masters back in 1957, but continued to play year after year. All three, while fully eligible, were politely asked to refrain from playing in 2002. Ford behaved gentlemanly, as one would expect from a participant in a gentleman's game. But noooo, not Gay Brewer. And not Billy Casper.

Gay Brewer was so insulted by the letter that he skipped over the Champions Dinner that year, snubbing the gathering of the greatest who ever played the game.

Despite having being asked not to play, Billy Casper entered the 2005 Masters Tournament three years later. The results were predictable, Casper shot a score of 106, thirty four strokes over par, the worst round in Masters history by 11 strokes. Hell, *I* can shoot 106 at the Masters. But the fact is that Casper showed no respect for the game, himself, or the Masters.

Arnold Palmer showed class, dignity and respect. Casper? He became a joke to himself and his profession.

Billy Casper, meet Helen Thomas. Helen, meet Billy.

I think more than any other woman in the history of our nation's capital, Helen Thomas commanded the stage of American politics. She didn't just cross the gender barrier, she obliterated it, paving the way for many to follow. Helen was never meek, going toe to toe with Nixon, Reagan and a pair of Bushes among others. An unabashed liberal, Helen basically took no shit from anyone standing at a White House podium. For that, she has our undying respect.

Helen resigned from United Press International in May of 2000 after that company was acquired by the "Moonies." Helen was just shy of 80 years old.

That moment in time provided the perfect opportunity for Helen Thomas to retire. She had a legitimate reason to leave UPI, she had engraved her reputation in to the walls of the East Room and the White House briefing room. Her mark and her legacy had been set. Helen could retire with grace, dignity and respect for her profession. Helen Thomas could have been Arnold Palmer.

None was more surprised than I when just a few weeks later it was announced that Helen would become a columnist for Hearst newspapers. The fact of it is, Helen was really no longer relevant. I only read a few of her columns over the last 10 years, and rather than provoking news stories with her front row seat at the White House, she was simply espousing her own take and liberal spin on things she felt like spewing on. But really, to my reading, she was contributing nothing to the debate. She had become Billy Casper.

The White House Correspondents Association assured Helen her own chair in the front of the White House Briefing Room. In my mind, this is the equivalent of a lifetime exemption to the Masters. In the last few years, during both the current and previous administrations, she used this seat pretty much to be rude, without drawing any substance. Unlike the Masters, Hearst newspapers or even WHCA lacked the balls to politely suggest to Helen it was time to retire. Instead, she turned up whenever the urge hit her, and rudeness surrounded her essence.

Last week, she shot a 106 in the Masters. Her bigoted comments about Jews and Israel were *so* over the top, no legitimate journalist could even hide behind the usual "well we all have our opinions, but we keep our personal beliefs out of the news" nonsense. And there we see Helen, walking to the 18th green with a cane to assist her.

I note that Hearst newspapers was the source for the news of Helen's immediate retirement, and not Helen herself. Basically, she was fired. She's retiring 10 years too late, but she now gets to be remembered like Billy Casper and not as Arnold Palmer.

Fare thee well Helen. You're simply a bigoted bully, and that may well be your ultimate legacy.

Someone needs to send Classmates a Telegram

The last time I sent a telegram I phoned Western Union. I dictated my message to them over the phone, which they then read back to me. They promptly delivered my message -- by calling the recipient on the phone and reading it to him. They then sent a paper copy via U.S. Mail. Um, not really the effect I wanted, but I realized the telegram as a form of communication was dead. Western Union finally discontinued this service in 2006.

Every couple of weeks or so I get an email from Classmates.com informing me that someone has viewed my profile, left me a greeting or some such, and I should "find out who!" Of course, should I log in to my Classmates account to actually find out who -- I am invited to become a paid "Gold Member" which will allow me to send messages and directly contact other members.

Wow! Really? I can actually *pay* Classmates to contact old friends and share my story with them?

Hey Classmates!! Are you also thinking of opening up a mall-based travel agency to book my plane flight too?

Have you guys never heard of Facebook? I don't need to pay you money to send messages and share stories with my old friends. I do it every damned day on Facebook.

At one time, Classmates.com was one of the biggest advertisers on the .net. It seemed like every page I went to had a classmates banner ad -- "She -- Married him?"

Ten years ago maybe more, I was a periodic gold member at Classmates. The little trick I used to use was that I would only become a paid member for one month, about every year or two. That way, I could contact any friends I had found, send them all my email address, then cancel the account and maintain contact with my friends afterwards. I did this about three times until I had basically contacted everyone who was there whom I wanted to contact.

Ten years ago, their business model made sense. Today? Are you people nucking futs? Why would I pay you to find the exact same people I can find on facebook? Now, it's not like Classmates doesn't have a lot of "business partners" who post banner ads on every damned page. You're making money with each page hit. So here's an idea, why not come in to *this* century and encourage more people to visit those pages. Hmmmmm, I know!! How about making the whole damned thing free??!!!

I guess the Classmates people still book their vacation at the mall travel agency. They need to revise their business model. I think I'll send them my ideas by telegram.

Costas hits one out of the park

Closing cermony of the Vancouver Olympics. All of the pagentry is in full gear. Giant figures are being rolled in to the stadium.

Bob Costas says:

"And the always enjoyable, Giant inflatable beavers"

Dude, that was *so* perfect.


Nice

Facebook is starting to tick me off

We all join Facebook for different reasons. For some, it's complete social networking -- 300+ friends, many of whom you hardly even know. For others it's to keep up with family, whether immediate or extended, and yet others are there just to be there.

I joined Facebook at the urging of my longest and dearest friend because there is an alumni page for the summer camp we went to, the place where we met. Once there, I primarily used it to keep up on what my kids were doing, since I'm old now and don't see them very often.

My experience has since evolved to include mostly some very old and dear friends, people I'd lost touch with long ago and always wished that I hadn't.

And now it's starting to piss me off.

This afternoon, a friend of a friend of mine became friends with an old, old girlfriend of mine. Now, since I'm not a friend, I can't read all the particulars of her life, but I was able to browse through her profile photos. It's unmistakable -- this was my old girlfriend, someone I stopped seeing 34 or so years ago, who I last saw when I bumped in to her in a bar in Brooklyn in 1979 or therabouts.

So why does this piss me off? She was *so* recognizable. The woman has not aged. I'd have been able to pick her out of a crowd in an instant. And this is not the first time!

I must begin with my spouse, whom I met when she was 18. Today? Hot. Hotter now than then. But she doesn't freakin' age!

I scrolled through my friends list, and my four oldest friends, all of them women, one is another ex-girlfriend -- friends of mine since puberty or before -- they all look like a million bucks! Any one of the four of them could be walking on Main Street USA at Disneyworld amidst a thousand tourists, and I'd recognize them now, because they are just as they were back then. Damn you all!

When I was 15, I always liked the fact that I looked older. The drinking age was 18 back then, but I would never be asked for ID. When I turned 39 I didn't share this enthusiasm, as some coworkers assumed that I had turned the Big FIVE-OH! (I began coloring my hair the next day) Now that I'm 50, okay I've aged! But why isn't everyone else keeping up?!!

My friends, ALL the same age -- look young, sexy and vibrant.

I look like I'm about 100 with one foot in the grave. I'm sure if I had a photo taken with any of these friends, somone looking at it would say "Oh, is that your father?"

Bravo to all my old friends.

As for me, I recall the line from Indiana Jones: "It's not the age, it's the mileage."

Liberal Lies - Calling them out

A low-income client of mine asked me to compute her estimated tax payment for January 15th.

You see, some years back she had inherited some stock, and in 2009 the company was acquired and created what was essentially a forced sale of that stock. She wanted to make sure she had her taxes paid.

I spent a couple of hours computing the holding period and the amount of forced gain, then punched it in to the tax software and came up with the astounding realization that the transaction would not be taxed!

Wow!

I then went back and verified what I had once known, but had forgotten about since I have so few "low income" clients. And that is this:

Under the Bush tax cuts, low income people pay ZERO tax on long-term capital gains for 2008 to 2010. Zero, zip, nada.

I then informed this client that even though this was a forced sale, she should be happy it happened in 2009. Why? Because the Bush tax cuts will expire after this year. If this same transaction were to take place next year in 2011 -- her tax bill would be $6,980!

This applies for low income people only, and has nothing to do with middle or upper income taxpayers.

Read this again: When the Bush tax cuts expire, this low income taxpayer would have paid nearly $7,000 in extra tax.

Now -- How many times have we been told that the Bush tax cuts only benefit "the wealthy?" Hundreds? Thousands?

I can't tell you how often I tried to explain to people that this was total bullshit -- all taxpayers benefited from the Bush tax cuts and that in fact lower income people made out the best. But no, we never heard that. All we've heard for the last 8 years was that the Bush tax cuts were for the wealthy.

Well, I'll tell you what -- when the Bush tax cuts are allowed to expire, there are going to be a lot of pissed off people, and the economy will slow yet again. That's fact.

Let the liberal lying continue.